This Heart


I wrote about the Muse headband in December. I bought it as a gift for myself and I look back at myself then and realize a lot has changed. My outer life hasn’t changed as much as my inner world. Something happens that used to make my heart race, my mind swirl down a negative path – and it would often lead me to a behavior that I regretted, one that connected all the patterns of my life to that moment. Though I still feel hopeless in breaking the cycles, I can *see* them now – clearly. I see the hole I will fall in, but there is calm now in knowing I will. I (usually) don’t do the behavior I regret. I see the fear – and I let it move through me, and I (usually) do something different.

I’ve found myself least wanting to meditate when I feel lost in my head, when my heart hurts. This, of course, is when I most need to find the centering in my breath. This morning, I did that. The difficult (but possibly healing) weekend made me turn the headband on. I meditated with my hand on my heart and my belly and today, instead of just noticing my breath, I noticed my strong beating heart. I remembered that whatever happens in my external life, I still have my health – and tomorrow I might not. Today, I do. I still have this heart, the heart that could have easily killed me and now is beating strong and consistent. I still have this heart that allows me to hike and climb and love. I remember that I have more life than I used to in me, more strength and resilience than I thought I ever would have. I remember that I can breathe – and I used to struggle with even that.

This gratitude encompassed me this morning – and it made me for the billionth time in my life try to find the pulmonologist who discovered my heart condition after years of being given the run-around by doctors as a child. She worked for years trying to put the pieces together of my unusual case. Finally, I found her. Finally, I get to show her how she changed one person’s life in a huge way.

Finally, I can use this beating heart to express love for the human who saved it.

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