So something big happened in the last week or two. Or could have been big. Yeah, I guess it was big anyway.
All my assumptions about what I thought I wanted were challenged. Well, I guess come to think of it, that isn’t unusual for me.
But this one has been more set in stone in me for a long time. In fact, I’ve thought about surgery to permanently make this choice.
I haven’t wanted kids since I was in undergrad. Or at least, I didn’t want to be a mom. I thought about surrogacy. I thought about co-raising a child entirely unrelated to me. I thought about being around babies and holding them and cooing with them and being able to give them back. But for a number of reasons, I didn’t want to be a mom. That was clear.
Things started getting fuzzy when I met M; that was a very short period of questioning, only to come to the same conclusion. And then even more fuzzy when I started dating A; our loins both *seriously* wanted to make babies. But, overall, our heads won out. He had kids already. I didn’t want to be a mom. He had a vasectomy. Pretty straightforward. The door opened briefly, then closed definitively.
And then…last week, I thought I might be pregnant. I hadn’t had sex with anyone else for a long time. His sperm count was 0. And yet…I was having clear signs of pregnancy.
When I started bleeding at week 2 post potential conception, I observed that I *hoped* maybe it was implantation bleeding. And I was confused – I actually *wanted* to be pregnant? And oddly enough, A kind of did too.
The bleeding continued and so there is a 99.9999% chance I am not and never was pregnant. But it was an interesting and powerful thought experiment. Because I had gotten somewhat attached to the idea of me housing a baby inside of me, to watching my body change, to seeing a child I housed grow up before me (even if I maybe wasn’t going to raise them primarily). It was amazing to be supported, to be loved, to be sharing a possible future with people who were welcoming a new life that they wanted to be involved with intimately. A part of me wanted to see what kind of human A and I would create. A part of me just welcomed a huge change, one I had no control over, one I had to let myself fall into.
Right now, all of this week whirlwind of emotions feels like a loss. Not even a bit of relief on my end. A loss of something we didn’t even want…but as we got accustomed to the idea…maybe we did? Maybe I did at least.
Sometimes, I wonder if the body knows what it wants more than our hearts and definitely our minds. Is there a way we can listen better? Moreover, if our bodies and minds and hearts conflict, which should we listen to with the highest regard?
Either way, I guess it’s not time for a tubal ligation after all. Not yet.
[Source for Image: http://sher-asliceofheaven.blogspot.com/2013/09/gong-gong-por-por-ball.html]