Okay, so the title is a bit tongue-in-cheek. Kind of. Made you look? 😉
I don’t talk about kink here much – if ever. But, yeah…I’m kinky. And I have a dungeon. Seriously. It’s a crawl space attached to my bedroom that’s big enough to stand up in and lay down in – among other things. It has fancy schmancy mood lighting and fabric wall hangings. And best of all? It has a lock on the door.
I say this because making this space has changed my sex life for the better. No, not just because it has eyebolts I can be strapped to and have better kink sessions in. Mostly, it’s changed how I think about sex and about BDSM/kink.
See, I like being submissive. No, that’s not right. I like *acting* submissive. I also like *acting* like a brat sometimes. I also like *acting* like a top. Or a lion that needs to be tamed. Or a high school schoolgirl. Among other things.
For a long time, I’ve been trying to figure out if I’m *really* naturally submissive – whatever that means. I’ve taken tests to tell me this and had a lot of discussions about it. People have very differing opinions about it. With my background of having an abusive ex husband who used (nonconsensual) power dynamics as a way to force me into things I didn’t want, it was hard to determine what was natural to me versus what was just habit with the only sexual partner I’d had.
When I got out of that marriage, I started dating another dom. Accidentally. Kind of. We talked a lot about keeping a power dynamic out of our *relationship* and just keep it strictly to our play. And of course, as per the usual, the power dynamic went from play to serious and it bled into other aspects of us that might have been unhealthy – at least based on where I was mentally at the time. It’s something I’ve been scared of happening with my relationships since – and because of that, I’ve moved away from kink or at least strict power dynamics – for a number of years.
But the dungeon changed everything. Why? Because whoever I am in the dungeon can stay in the dungeon – behind lock and key. It’s a very distinct mental shift entering that room. It’s made me realize that whoever I am and whatever I want in the moment says nothing about who I am forever or even who I am tomorrow or a few minutes from now. Am I “submissive?” Am I a “brat?” (I’m pretty sure I’m not a lion.)
I’ve come to this conclusion: Who fucking cares?
This adult version of a playroom is *only* meant for play, and it need not be extended to me as a human or to redefining a relationship. This play is just me and you (or yous), right here and now – whoever we’d like to play as right now.
So why am I talking about this? Not because you really all need to make a dungeon. That’s just not practical. 😉
But we can all extend the dungeon concept and its benefits into the rest of life. For instance, too frequently, I find myself bringing my laptop on trips thinking I might work (even if I don’t) or talking to someone on the phone as I hike by myself. I play guitar while I should be working. I scan my phone while I’m eating. I don’t make distinct places – physical or mental – for things that should rightfully be given their own space and time to be productive, to be appreciated, and to be fully explored in one specific mindset.
Go make yourself a dungeon – physically, mentally, however you find fitting. Just don’t blame me when you don’t want to come out.